Gala Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> RE:       Gala Christmas Party
> TO:     All Employees
> Date October 1st 2009
>
>
> >
> > I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
> > place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function
> > room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of
> > drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel
> > free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
> > dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
> > Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
> > however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
> > easy for everyone's pockets.  This gathering is only for employees!
> >
> > Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
> >
> > Merry Christmas to you and your family,
> >
> > Patty
> >
> >
> >
> > Company Memo
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> > TO:         All Employees
> >
> > DATE:    October 2, 2009
> >
> > RE:       Gala Holiday Party
> >
> > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.
> > We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
> > coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
> > However, from now on,  we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The
> > same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians
> > and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no

> > Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have
> > other types of music for your enjoyment.
> >
> > Happy now?
> >
> > Happy Holidays to you and your family,
> >
> > Patty
> >
> >
> >
> > Company Memo
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> >
> > TO:        All Employees
> >
> > DATE:   October 3, 2009
> >
> > RE:        Holiday Party
> >
> >
> > Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> > requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.  I'm
> > happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
> > that  reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I

> > supposed to handle this?
> >
> > Somebody?
> >
> > And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
> > since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
> > executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
> >
> > REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
> >
> > Company Memo
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> > To:        All Employees
> >
> > DATE:   October 4, 2009
> >
> > RE:        Generic Holiday Party
> >
> > What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th
> > begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
> > drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously,
> > we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees'
> > beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
> > until the end of the party or else package everything for you to
> > take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?
> >
> > Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
> > farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
> > table closest to the restrooms.
> >
> > Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to
> > sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
> >
> > Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
> >
> > To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks

> > that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
> > about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.
> >
> > We will have booster seats for short people.
> >
> > Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
> >
> > I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used
> > in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood
> > pressure taste a bite first.
> >
> > There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but

> > the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
> >
> >
> > Did I miss anything?!?!?
> >
> > Patty
> >
> > Company Memo
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> > TO:         All F*%^ing Employees
> >
> > DATE:    October  5, 2009
> >
> > RE:         The F*%^ing Holiday Party
> >
> > I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this
> > party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
> > quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
> > quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including
> > organic tomatoes..  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They
scream when you slice them.
> > I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
> >
> > The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all
> > have a rotten holiday!
> >
> > Drive drunk and die,
> >
> > The B*tch from H*ll!!!
> >
> > Company Memo
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> > FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
> >
> > DATE:   October  6, 2009
> >
> > RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
> >
> > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> > recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
> >
> > In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
> > and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
> >
> > Happy Holidays!
> >
> > Joan